Wednesday - July 23 2014

You know what, I feel better emotionally, even more so today. The anchor (curse my poetic/metaphoric writing; let it flow nonetheless...) in my chest still drags upon the sea floor of life, and there's always going to be an abyss for it to sink lower within or a rock to disturb its drifting, but for now its smooth sailing, nothing but pristine waters and sand as soft as clouds.

Well, now that that's out of my system, I feel i should tell you that there's only two more days of summer school and then this whole fiasco is over. I may have to come back on the following Monday to restore my grade for one of these nine standards we have to meet, but other than that we're nearly done with all of this.

Also, I am fighting my urge to literally dance and sing out of joy, but I'm in class for another hour. Guess why....

THE CULINARY CLASS SLEEPOVER IS A GO!!!

I have been planning this trip from the last day of this previous school year, and it's been a bumpy ride for sure.

We wanted to stay at the Inn on Peaks, but we are highschoolers and newly highschool grads, thus,...we do not have unlimited wells of money :(

I then looked into home rentals, camping, etc. etc. But we found out a solution to our predicament indeed! /o.o/

Our friend Elena, whom we assumed to busy, has opened our house to her for one night :) We are going to go over to Peaks Island on the morning of this coming Saturday July 26th. We'll explore the tunnels of Fort Battery Steel, have fun at the beach, and hang out to our hearts' contents. We're coming back the next day, some of us earlier than others, but we'll still have a blast (pardon my awkwardness, "blast" just came to mid first, and that's how I'm writing this....)

Also, my mother has been finally scheduled to have surgery for her slipped hernia disk, which is placing pressure on her spinal cord, thus causing loss of mucsle endurance and strength in her left arm, as well as immense pain. She's going in on Friday July 25th for a two hour surgery in the morning, then six weeks at least of recovery followed by physical therapy. I'll still be with her through it all, thick and thin, just as she's been with me.

I'll be coming back tomorrow to fill you in again. Maybe things will have changed, not only with the trip, but my own self, afterall, that's the wonderland/nightmare that I venture along the overgrown paths of, with only this vessel as my lantern to guide me.

Tuesday - July 22 2014

I wouldn't necessarily be lying if I were to say that I do feel better today. My "problems" are still present, and "problems" doesn't seem to be an adept enough term to describe my situation. I am emotionally calmer today, by far, but these feelings are still ever-so-present.

Starting this blog yesterday did help in a way. I was able to vent. Whether or not any one else finds this blog and reads my words, I do not care. If this is meant to be completely that of my own and only such, then so be it.

I'm writing from Summer School again and it's only 9:30 in the morning. Only three more days, or rather four (I don't believe I met one of the nine standards), to go! It's been fun in its own way; it may take away from my private time, but I've met new people and learned some decent stuff.

Remind me, self, I have to cancel those two history credit classes for Senior year, I don't need them anymore.

I don't know if there are any rules to this blog. I don't feel like there needs to be. I can talk to myself, ramble, change subjects in the blink of an eye, and post as many (or few) times a day, week, whatever I want. And that gives me comfort.

Something I truly need.

Monday - July 21 2014

I need a place to vent. I need a place where I can scream and cry, and no one can see me. I need a place where I can say what I want, avoid others, and express myself in anyway I need to.

I had planned on making a blog for my own self a long while ago, funny, I never even had the time or the motivation until things got unimaginably out of hand.

I didn't plan on writing this from a Summer School class the day after one of, if not the absolute, worst breakdowns of my life, thus far...

I can't count the numerous times I've wanted help. I can admit, I have anger problems, but these are only magnified by a brother who goes to any length to worsen a situation by any means possible.

My father has done things that no person should ever do. And everyday, because of my anger issues, I am subjected to be compared to that horror.

I have fought tooth and nail to make it here today. I have placed myself in advanced school classes, expressed my sexuality when others barred me from friendship, I have gotten a job, a crappy one that makes me feel like fucking sewage everyday, but earns me a living and provides a sense of accomplishment and responsibility, if even only a little bit, and I have done everything in my ability to straighten my fucked up life as much as possible.

And in the end,...

I failed.